I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot.

As the sun has endless lights, endless power, endless warmth, so do you also have endless love with endless power and, even better, your power of love and capacity to give grows by giving.

Intellect is not speaking and logicising

It was so much fun conducting an orchestra and watching the musicians' faces as some of Kanye's lyrics went by. They couldn't believe what was going on.

A child learns to discard his ideals, whereas a grown-up never wears out his short pants.

We want to be with ourselves in a land of our own under the guidance of God.

Men will judge your past deeds by your last.

No speech can stain what is noble by nature.

I think most men, heterosexual and homosexual, enjoy being considered sexual objects.

I think that actually people in my situation should be paying more tax.