I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Sometimes people need to know they could be forgiven to have the strength to change.

many efforts on bahalf of of animals will qualitatively improve humans' living conditions as well, which is likely to be the case

I was always observing. Even while talking, living, going through every motion, I was watching myself and the situation. That's a writer. Always observing.

Religious discrimination is not like racial discrimination. One you chose for yourself, the other God chose for you.

There's nothing that the road cannot heal

A ground plan is important in terms of its rigor. If your plan is soggy and weak, your production will be soggy and weak.

I was always the girl who had that baby face.

Rashness is the faithful, but unhappy parent of misfortune.

Maybe since I was 35 years old it was time to go upstairs.