I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

The only way to follow your path is to take the lead.

I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy.

Our universities and museums are respected around the country.

I find it both fascinating and disconcerting when I discover yet another person who believes that writing can't be taught. Frankly, I don't understand this point of view

We may rest assured that God would never have suffered any infants to be slain except those who were already damned and predestined for eternal death.

Nothing is important... so everything is important.

We had more great times than bad times together, but they've moved on, I've moved on. I have a new team now and I have a new focus.

I was not a Mouseketeer, but a lot of people think I was.

I set myself that decision, otherwise I'm driving an opinion at you, and I think that would be treating you like you're an idiot. I don't want to force-feed you my opinion.

If a Negro got legs he ought to use them. Sit down too long, somebody will figure out a way to tie them up.