I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

While parchment may burn and gold may be stained or melted down, the things that are truly important to us will never lose their value.

Maybe memories should be left the way they are.

Computers intimidate me.

Gertrude Stein was masterly in making nothing happen very slowly

Definitions would be good things if we did not use words to make them.

I believe that time wounds all heals. (karma)

when I spoke of having a drink, it was a euphemism for having a whole flock of them.

It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: Breakfast.

Conservatives were brought up to hate deficits and justifiably so. We've long thought there are two things in Washington that are unbalanced - the budget and the liberals.

Poverty is not the root cause of crime.