I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

We live for our unfulfilled dreams when we are alive. Our fulfilled dreams live for us when we are gone!

I will keep smiling, be positive and never give up! I will give 100 percent each time I play. These are always my goals and my attitude.

When you don't get what you want, it just makes you accept real life.

Gene Simmons planned on being a success the moment he launched himself out of his mother's womb.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

I think no matter what, science can provide a force for good, fundamentally. Over time, like all things, it's open to abuse.

It's easy enough to get along with a loved and loving child - at least till you try to get him to do something.

A business enterprise must continue beyond the lifetime of the individual or of the generation to be capable of producing its contributions to economy and to society.

A city always contains more than any inhabitant can know, and a great city always makes the unknown and the possible spurs to the imagination.

Obviously, Sam is the type of guy that hides behind his pen and pad. I promise you he wouldn't say that to my face in a dark alley where it's just me and him and no witnesses.