I guess ultimately a lot of comedians just wanna be taken seriously.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

4.38 TONE OF SPEECHMost of the problems of life that be, Are caused by the tone of speech only, It is never what is said in reality, But how it’s said that causes harm truly.[221] – 4

Please be my friend.

At my age flowers scare me.

So, to praise others for their virtues - Can but encourage one's own efforts

We cannot free ourselves from pride and selfish ambition; a divine rescue is absolutely necessary.

Please don't try to make things nice! All the wrong notes are right. Just copy as I have -- I want it that way.

Let the famous not denounce fame. Far from being empty and meaningless, it fills those it touches with divine power.

I mean in recent years, I think you've only got to sell thirty or forty thousand to get a #1.

Publishers see free downloads as threatening the sales of the book.

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe.