I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

When you get up in the morning, you have two choices - either to be happy or to be unhappy. Just choose to be happy

Live well, Laugh often, Love much.

Dating a man is like flying a kite. You only need to know when to wind up the string or let it out.

Sometimes, we think faster than what you write.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Shutting down the government is not how you make government work.

The religious man fears, the man of honor scorns, to do an ill action.

For the spell is older than experience. For the tale is older than the record.

The specific media may change, but the principles of human nature have remained fairly constant over the millenia.

I raced locally for a year, went to Europe the year after and went to the Olympics the year after that.