I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I was very short. Everybody else was two years older in my class, and I had curly hair and was teacher's pet.

No one will ever kill me, they wouldn't dare

We can’t solve problems for others. We can introduce them to the Lord.

A lady never asks a gentleman to dance, or to go to supper with her.

When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.

What did Napolean do for relaxation? He read a book. What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book. What does Congress do for relaxation? They book a red.

There's a particular hierarchy in the prison - class distinctions, high-school cliques. You have to learn how to navigate.

Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It truly can, and it actually has.

Sometimes, in a moral struggle, we discover the right thing to do - just as, on some cold day long ago, we discovered mittens pinned to our coat sleeve.

The media is news gatherers. Why in the world are the media a factor?