I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

The notion of children being "kindergarten ready" is a bizarre oxymoron. It's like saying you have to know how to play the piano before you can learn how to play the piano.

He who can does. He who can't teaches.

I see my friends, my family, my cousins work all day long for very little money, and if I have this problem of not being able to wall on the streets, it's not a big deal.

Who doesn't love a statement sock? I mean, we won't go in to details, but your underwear has to be bright, too.

There is abundant testimony that if we choose love rather than self, we gain immeasurably.

The sooner every party breaks up the better.

I find that if I've taken care of myself first, I can then be there fully for everyone else.

If you keep up with pop culture, everybody knows the joke.

Some children are wiser than adults.

Think beyond your lifetime if you want to accomplish something truly worthwhile.