I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

A woman should always know her place, and it's exactly wherever she wants to be.

What greater glory can we anticipate than to stand before the throne of God, to humble ourselves before His great and incomparable majesty.

Someone can break your heart, leave you dead on the lawn, and still you never learn what to say to stop it all over again.

There is no normal life, there's just life.

I have always been grateful that my Russian mother and father came to this country to give me a better chance, and I have had a better chance.

It's either the wallpaper or me. One of us has to go. [These were his dying words.]

The moral issue here is whether the United States Congress is going to stand in the way of science and preclude scientists from doing lifesaving research.

I wrote three books, I had three greenhouses. It seemed to me to be very satisfactory.

The way you look on the outside has a definite bearing on how you feel and see yourself on the inside.