I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

take a writer away from his typewriterand all you have leftisthe sicknesswhich started himtypingin thebeginning

You can't suddenly know something just by assembling a committee of words! That's it! I'll assemble your comittee!

The best investment to make an impact on others, because even when you're dead money alone will not bury you.

You're all so busy trying to be tough that you've forgotten how to be brave.

Music is more fun when it's collaborative, in my opinion.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

I've bashed my body for 30 years and I've just got to eat properly and not drink too much - very difficult!

I used to wear different rings when I first got called Ringo in about 19, about, umm, '59 I got called Ringo.

The scenery was very beautiful. But I did not see The Great Wall [of China].