I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It doesn't matter how many friends you have on Facebook or twitter, if you have no real friends means you have nothing in your life.

There is no adventure without risk, and no exhilaration like adventure.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

A spider brings good luck before midnight and bad luck after.

The power of God unto salvation is not our passion for God, but the passion He has exhibited toward us sinners by sending his own Son to redeem us.

Nice' in a bodyguard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate whole lobsters.

Life is so great every day. I am telling things every day.

I consider this world to be like a school and our lives to be the classrooms.

You'll always have to fight for what you want. Definitely crossing over and being able to tackle these grittier parts was a challenge, but I feel like I've done it! It's a whole new chapter.