I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.

Why are some things easier to remember the more time has passed since they occurred?

Beauty is being who God made you to be. Make the most of what you have. He gave you what you are. Nothing about you is by accident. The right people will love you unconditionally, just as He does.

No one succeeds without effort... Those who succeed owe their success to perseverance.

The day of judgment will be a day when the skeletons come out of the closets! And each of us will be standing there to face the record.

I’m not gonna sit around and waste my precious divine energy trying to explain and be ashamed of things you think are wrong with me.

Speculation is perfectly all right, but if you stay there you've only founded a superstition. If you test it, you've started a science.

Boomer is ... Boomer. That pretty much tells you all you need to know

Repentance follows hasty counsels.

To express a marriage of two complementary colors, their mingling and their opposition, the mysterious vibrations of kindred tones.