I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Life teach you lessons and those lessons are very painful.

Slowly, but surely, we are moving in the right direction. We're on the right track. The economy is getting stronger

This wasn't a garden,' said Susan presently. 'It was a castle.

To make someone an icon is to make him an abstraction, and abstractions are incapable of vital communication with living people.

The most beautiful thing in the world is freedom of speech.

Hollywood today is all about being consistent. All thinking in mainstream film business takes place in one box.

The one way to discover about aliens is to tune your radio telescope and listen to the signals.

Carry your heart through this world like a life-giving sun

Why is life so difficult for some people and not for others? Why do some people have to struggle so much?

..though silence must add intensity to your intimate moments, it must also shrivel your soul to lie beside someone who doesn't talk to you.