I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

There are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people.

Most of our problems today are not that we don’t know, but that we don’t know how to put things together with the right zeal and grit to get something noble and leave noble footprints!

Be careful, Hally.""Of what? The truth? I seem to be the only one around here who is prepared to face it.

In our Impulsive nature to write and repulsive nature to read that has led to a decline in literary genius in our times!

The sceptic, when he plunges into the depths of infidelity, like the miser who leaps from the shipwreck, will find that the treasures which he bears about him will only sink him deeper in the abyss.

I wanted to support things that are helpful to people and maybe bash what I think is dangerous. So I switched from being everybody to being myself.

[Flying kite with my friends] is one of the seminal memories of growing up for me.

The more we do, the busier we are, the less we really pay attention.

But the waiting time, my brothers, Is the hardest time of all.

I'm used on every level. I have no friends. I have no resting place. I never sleep. I can never close my eyes. It's horrible.