I had auditioned for 'Saturday Night Live' two or three times before and never really saw myself there. I looked up to Belushi and Bill Murray and Aykroyd and I never saw myself as in their world.

I think free speech is probably the coolest thing we have in this country, and again, you can label it hate speech and dismiss it, and then you're allowed to censor it.

After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.

If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

If she were a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.

I can barely read my hand written notes, typed.

The issue is privacy. Why is the decision by a woman to sleep with a man she has just met in a bar a private one, and the decision to sleep with the same man for $100 subject to criminal penalties?

The more intelligent and cultured a man is, the more subtly he can humbug himself.

I think the health of our civilization, the depth of our awareness about the underpinnings of our culture, and our concern for the future, can all be tested by how well we support our libraries.

Don't praise your own good shots. Leave that function to your partner who, if a good sport, will not be slow in performing it.

In one word, to draw the rule from experience, one must generalize; this is a necessity that imposes itself on the most circumspect observer.

What is success? I think it is a mixture of having a flair for the thing that you are doing; knowing that it is not enough, that you have got to have hard work and a certain sense of purpose.

Are you building up your house, or are you tearing it down? Your 'house' is the sphere of relationships that God has placed you in.

Never laugh at those who suffer; suffer sometimes those who laugh.