I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I just don't understand how people can get so caught up in having their picture taken.

Nonviolent tactics can move into action on our behalf men not naturally inclined to act for us.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Modest about our national pride - and inordinately proud of our national modesty.

From the time we're born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and coconspirators, our role models and our cautionary tales.

Read, read, read, read, read. Read everything. You can’t work unless you know the world, and outside of living in the world the best way to learn about the world is to read about it.

But nothing disturbs the feeling of specialness like the presence of other human beings feeling identically special.

Would I like to see the Republican Party be the dominant party for whatever time history gives it the chance to be? You bet.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

A close-up on screen can say all a song can.