I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

The true face of smoking is disease, death and horror - not the glamour and sophistication the pushers in the tobacco industry try to portray.

The holy name of Krishna has extraordinary spiritual potency because the name of God is nondifferent from God Himself.

Every experience I've had in my life is a resource in my body.

And that night we knew that to hold the body of women in our arms in neither ugly nor shameful, but the one ecstasy granted to the race of men.

The world would be a paradise of peace and justice if global citizens shared a common definition of love which would guide our thoughts and action.

But were there ever any Writhed not at passed joy?

You're the Sue Sylvester of NXT.

The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be damned.

I lost an arm on my last trip home.

What do you want from me? Fine writing? Or do you want to see the sales curve stop moving down and start moving up?