I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Nobody ever reaches to God, God comes to you when you are open and receptive, when you are ready.

Love and seek for knowledge.

Contemplate the extent and stability of the heavens, and then at last cease to admire worthless things.

[A] military force was collected in Europe, formidable by their arms and numbers, if the generals had understood the science of command, and the soldiers the duty of obedience.

If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.

You don't have to be perfect to be a popstar.

I hate every violent overthrow, because as much is destroyed as is gained by it.

Nip the shoots of arbitrary power in the bud, is the only maxim which can ever preserve the liberties of any people.

Madam, you flatter yourself. I do not want to marry you or anyone else. I am not a marrying man. - Rhett Butler

You're only a success for the moment that you complete a successful act.