I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A Rival Can Become an Important Ally If WE Find A Common Ground

The Spartans do not ask how many are the enemy but where are they.

There is a tendency at every important but difficult crossroad to pretend that it's not really there.

It was so much more comfortable to be able to divide people into heroes and villains and expect them to play their allotted part.

Socialism means slavery.

The window can be fixed, Katerina. I'm far more concerned about him.

Reputations are shaped not by facts but by prejudices.

There is no doubt that running away on a fresh, blue morning can be exhilarating.

Oh, come on. Revelation was a mushroom dream that belonged in the Apocrypha. The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got religion.

Do you think that love has to be requited to be genuine? On the contrary, it thrives on indifference.