I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Life is a divine adventure.

The most wonderful things that life can offer do not have price tags.

If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.

If right and left are competing to be the biggest victim, who is competing to be the government?

Don't depend too much on anyone.

Like all bands, the first two albums are always the ones most written about, and the most covered. When a band gets to their third of fourth album, the story of the band has already been told.

I don't believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.

The most damaging erroneous belief about happiness is, of course, that happiness is somewhere else--that is, that it is not with you.

By learning of Him, by believing in Him, by following Him, there is the capacity to become like Him.

In the ‘looks of disappointment’ department, my cat has picked up where my father left off.