I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The real architect of a life is the hard and almost impossible circumstances one faces.

I am a selfish, conceited, impudent little animal, it is true, but, after all, I am only one grand conglomeration of Wanting…

The world is kept alive only by heretics: the heretic Christ, the heretic Copernicus, the heretic Tolstoy. Our symbol of faith is heresy. (“Tomorrow”)

To be ignorant of the lives of the most celebrated men of antiquity is to continue in a state of childhood.

Before you can win a game, you have to not lose it.

Nothing is fair. The most one can hope is for things to be logical. Justice is a rare illness in a world that is otherwise a picture of health.

You need a particular talent only to want to please. I don't have this talent.

Good habits are as addictive as bad habits, and a lot more rewarding.

You think of the book you'd most like to be reading, and then you sit down and shamelessly write it.

President Obama is funny, he's thoughtful, he's challenging, he's fun to work with - and it's been an extraordinary privilege.