I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

Freemasonry is a spiritual practice that good men of every spiritual practice can agree upon.

Time after time during the next six months, he would put me together again.

To travel beyond our world is to change this present one forever.

Pursue money while you're alive, so that poverty will not pursue you when you're old.

People have all day to talk about what makes them ordinary. It turns out that they want to share what makes them weird.

The slot machines sit there like young courtesans, promising pleasures undreamed of, your deepest desires fulfilled, all lusts satiated.

Men are always trying to make the world better or worse while most women are content just to live in it.

The key function of banks is money creation, not intermediation.

If you're keeping yourself in the bubble and only looking at your own data or only watching the TV that fits your agenda then it gets boring.

How strange and awful is the synthesis of life and death in the gusty winds and falling leaves of an autumnal day!