I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

History was what had happened

You could name practically any problem in the hood and there'd be a rap song for you.

They who pray not, know nothing of God, and know nothing of the state of their own souls.

If I could not smile, I think my situation would be even more serious.

Women won't have total equality until men can get pregnant.

Insomnia" perhaps she's a daytime sleeper.

Our point, however, is not to worship the Bible; we worship the God of the Bible.

You're bored? That's because you keep your senses awake and your soul asleep.

I love cheeseburgers and chocolate - milk, not dark, and hot chocolate with marshmallows in the winter!

You've got to just go do what you do - you can't really worry about who was attached to the movie before.