I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

What a difference it makes to come home to a child!

Doubt you’d find anyone as dashingly charming as me

Newspapers, of course, need both news and fanfare. A blending of gossip and truth.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Besides surfing, I play tennis, volleyball, I swim, I run hills, or I do high-intensity, high-interval workouts. I'm up at 5 A.M. every day.

It's creepy to see fan sites about me.

A just security to property is not afforded by that government, under which unequal taxes oppress one species of property and reward another species.

Guilt is always a good thing. If I kick you in the groin right now and don't feel guilty about it there's something wrong with me. Something's wrong with my conscience.

When you're with your family you're with them and when you're working you're doing that. I definitely try to separate the time when I'm working and when I have my personal time.

Critics have done the wine industry a lot of good overall.