I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

It always felt as though there were a shaken beehive living in my chest. I could never rest.

Just follow your bliss, that's all you have to do. Be willing to be disappointed, for if you risk nothing, you'll have nothing worth having.

The things you are afraid of

It was a splendid summer morning and it seemed as if nothing could go wrong.

I believe that just as everyone inherits a particular form so does he inherit the particular characteristics and qualities of his progenitors, and to make this admission is to conserve one's energy.

Believe it or not, when we were first married, our combined monthly student loan bills were actually higher than our mortgage.

And at the end of the day, if the movie's no good, I'll live to fight another day.

There's nothing like suffering to reveal how small and needy you are. Pain has the remarkable capacity to reveal the weakness of the things you're leaning on to make life worth living.

Such is the love of praise, so great the anxiety for victory.

He (Alexander Woollcott) always praises the first production of each season, being reluctant to stone the first cast.