I hate reality shows that are not reality.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Being aware of who you are, you will ensure that you do not waste your time spending energy on unnecessary things

The strong belief can make things out of imagination.But that can also make facts as if they were fairy tales.

When there's nothing left to save, there's nothing left to lose.

Don't bunt. Aim out of the ball park. Aim for the company of immortals.

Jupiter was very large and bright. Apparently, there was a small reddish star appended to its side. This is called "an alliance."

If you take real-life circumstances and take out all the pauses then you have a thriller. It has to be non-stop, high stakes and fascinating all the time. Real life is like that from time to time.

I think there's something inherently dishonest in trying to go back and mess with the past.

Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.

Prosperity and security are ours in heaven. We will live in peace and safety.

I'd love a day devoid of responsibilities. I've often thought about going to a hotel just to have a day away from everything.