I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

When the police willfully break the law on video and then deny the event in writing, you know that you are dealing with a blatantly corrupt group of people.

Prisons are built with stones of Law. Brothels with the bricks of religion.

Today's unspeakable perversion is tomorrow's kink, is next week's good clean fun

I don't even know if people are familiar with my name as an actor. It's not as if I ever was an über-famous actor.

Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery... brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

If you want to stand out from the crowd, give people a reason not to forget you

People grew up on the animated movie. Bill Condon is Bill Condon. And nobody does those movies better than Disney does.

O let not Time deceive you, You cannot conquer Time.

We've got all the ingredients for a sensational future.