I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

All religions are based on obsolete terminology.

The horses have stoppedtheir clippity-clop, but feet are too slowfor where I must go.So here I shall stayuntil light of daywhen clippity-clopgets my team underway.

Among physicists, I'm respected I hope.

As a kid I always wanted to be a centre-forward. I wanted the buzz and thrill of scoring goals from an early age.

One may as well dam for water tanks the people's cathedrals and churches, for no holier temple has ever been consecrated by the heart of man.

To my thinking, this: - that the Priestly Code rests upon the result which is only the aim of Deuteronomy.

I don't think anyone can fall in love for ratings.

You get from the world what you give to the world.

Storms probably exist only because after them we can have a sunrise.

The sacred lamp of day Now dipt in Western clouds his parting day.