I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

Discontented women are like pressure cookers. The steam rises and one day they just reach boiling point.

Helpful is happy.Selfish is sad.(It's not uncommon to confuse the two.)

Easy to be a critic

I wouldn't say there was a moment of realization when I wanted to be a runner; it was always just something I was.

Love is an alchemist that can transmute poison into food.

I like to imagine, if I was in the 1930s and was rich and a psychopathic killer, I probably would be moving about very freely and having a lot of fun.

If you've been massive and it's all slid away, you tend to get written off. It's quite difficult to overcome that, which is why I've got this problem with nostalgia.

I was dumbfounded by the stupidity of the Watergate break-in.

This is an area where North Carolina does excel. I have known more colorful North Carolina political figures than I have colorless ones.

There is no harm in being sometimes wrong - especially if one is promptly found out.