I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

Strange, what being forced to slow down could do to a person.

Competition works best in sports, but humans get addicted to stuff.

You’ve always been a stormYour lightning mouthElectrifies my heart

The art of land doctoring is being practiced with vigor, but the science of land health is yet to be born.

How could I think the brief years were enough To prove the reality of endless love?

One can endure sorrow alone, but it takes two to be glad.

I'm proud of the two adjectives, superficial and frivolous.

But capitalist production begets,with the inexorability of a law of Nature,its own negation. It is the negation of negation.

Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don't. I don't need the competition.

I think the big force is going to be consumer buying power.