I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.

Trust in the process of life.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

Becoming mature means learning to accept what you cannot change, facing unresolved sorrows and learning to love life as it really happens, not as you would have it happen.

The potential audience seems to be dwindling in the states. I was kind of embarrassed for the band because of the size of the audience.

I definitely want kids and I want four kids, for sure. But I need to find a husband first!

Architecture is an expression of values.

Half a league Half a league Half a league onward With a hey-nonny-nonny And a hot cha-cha.

A lot of people have been asking whether I would ever go into politics. I'm not sure I would.

Why is it that if you happen to be black and over six feet tall, everybody thinks you supposed to play basketball or football?