I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment.

Sequel to Albert Einstein's quote "education is what remains after you have forgotten what you learned in school, " beauty is what remains inside a body after it has wrinkled.

People don't always express their inner thoughts to one another; a conversation may be quite trivial, but often the eyes will reveal what a person really thinks or feels.

Mogami cable is durable and flexible enough to practically build a suspension bridge with but I'll settle for using it for my guitars and amps!

God says, 'You know what? I don't have anybody else... except you.'

I don't know whose box I'm in, and I don't really care.

A statesman is a politician who places himself at the service of the nation. A politician is a statesman who places the nation at his service.

I do jump behind the bar when we're really busy, but by that point I've usually drunk too much to work.

Light at the end of the tunnel? We don't even have a tunnel; we don't even know where the tunnel is.

A fav'rite has no friend!