I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You know your husband truly loves you when he calls you, "Money, I'm home!

How far is too far? When you love a band so much that its songs fill the empty spaces inside your head and heart, is that too far?

It is capitalism, not Marxism, that trades in futures.

I travel around the world, and there are so many beautiful girls, but that's not going to make you a supermodel. You have to have something more than just a pretty face.

The negative is comparable to the composer's score and the print to its performance. Each performance differs in subtle ways.

I've always maintained that it isn't the form that's going to make the difference. It isn't the rule or the procedure or the ideology, but it's human beings that will make it.

It is not enough to simply teach children to read; we have to give them something worth reading.

It is how people respond to stress that determines whether they will profit from misfortune or be miserable.

I try to not make safe choices, but I also like to do stuff which is interesting and is sort of exciting in some way and accessible.

When I was young, I didn't really think about anything other than sports.