I have a double policy, which would also solve immigration: I would stand at the border of New York City and I would say, "You can come here to live, but you can't come here to visit."

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

My favorite animal is steak.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

We're constantly being told what other people think we are, and that's why it is so important to know yourself.

Hope is a gift. Use it wisely.

Your heart will always open again if you let it.

The 2006 federal Internet gaming statute is not ambiguous. It does not prohibit gambling on fantasy sports.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

Religion is not so bad, unless you believe it.

Like italics and hyphens, quotation marks are to be used as sparingly as possible. They should light the way, not darken it.

Few sons are equal to their fathers; most fall short, all too few surpass them.

To do science is to search for repeated patterns, not simply to accumulate facts.

[On marriage:] It is an institution committed to the dulling of the feelings.