I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.

Food over flame burns, food over heat cooks

I was not born to be forced.

It's going to take a while for some of these things.

I'll be a good boy, please make me well. I promise you anything, get me out of this hell. Cold turkey has got me on the run.

There is a bit of me if I'm pushed in one way I might bounce back and go the opposite.

Nonviolence is the most potent technique for oppressed people. Unearned suffering is redemptive.

Only the poor are handicapped by honor.

Immigration should be enforced in a proportional and humane manner.

Through talk, we tamed kings, restrained tyrants, averted revolution