I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Inspiration is born when our passion becomes greater than our fear.

Resolutely train yourself to attain peace.

In this age of the electronic media and the mass distribution of the printed word, God will hold us accountable if we do not now move the Book of Mormon in a monumental way.

There are two modes of establishing our reputation; to be praised by honest men, and to be abused by rogues.

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.

Ooh! Jesus Christ had dreads, so shake 'em. I ain't got none, but I'm planning on growing some. Imagine all the Hebrews going dumb... Dancing on top of chariots and turning tight ones.

There is definitely openness to others' suffering that is dealt not with distress but with compassion.

I think it takes people to get to know you and the recognition comes over time.

Touring definitely makes you appreciate home more, so when I can be home, I like to stay home.

Pain is hard to bear.... But with patience, day by day, Even this shall pass away.