I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.

Death is the only serious preoccupation in life.

The greater the truth the greater the libel.

In the end, the effectiveness of our creative process comes down to whether we’re going to whine or do the work.

It is not enough to have the courage of your convictions, you must also have the courage to have your convictions challenged.

I would enjoy the fact that I had a team that won a national title, but I would be disappointed that none of the kids got drafted because that's not how it's supposed to work.

Never discuss Scientology with the critic. Just discuss his or her crimes, known and unknown.

Most mothers kiss and scold together.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

All through college, I had frequently been the only girl in a science class - which wasn't such a bad deal.