I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.

All other creatures look down toward the earth, but man was given a face so that might turn his eyes toward the stars and his gaze upon the sky.

Sometimes writing is like playing with fire… like trying to tame an uncontrollable beast.

God placed us on earth to be kings and priests

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

The rhetoric is the first step, it coarsens attitudes

My dresses help women discover figures they didn't know they had.

Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.

We'd failed, maybe, but some mysteries aren't meant to be solved.

I have a brother who practiced every bit as much as I did, but he never made pro. In order to make it as a pro you have to develop your God-given skills.

I would prefer chess to become part of the Olympic Games. This would also lead to chess become more accepted as a sport in general.