I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The funny thing is, the girls that I'm always up against for roles are pretty nice and cool, like Emma Watson. She's awesome.

But what most astonishes me in the United States, is not so much the marvelous grandeur of some undertakings, as the innumerable multitude of small ones.

Our film industry as well as the audiences are now open to unconventional pairings and subjects, which has aided my journey greatly.

The people have nothing to do with the laws but to obey them.

Be happy when you don't notice that you're getting old, it means you have had a great life so far.

The Koran and the laws of all civilized nations legislate against the vilification of religions.

Even the best grandmasters in the world have had to work hard to acquire the technique of rook endings.

How to stop Messi? You need to bring a shotgun, pam-pam and that's it.

The 30-year-old male is about as far away from Valentine's Day as you can get in the human experience.

Why didn't someone tell me that I can become a Christian and settle the doubts afterward?