I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

IT IS BY CHOICE AND NOT BY CHANCES THAT WE CHANGE OUR CIRCUMSTANCES.

Humans are inscrutable. Infinitely unpredictable. This is what makes them dangerous.

A gentleman does not boast about his junk.

Many a smiling face hides a mourning heart; but grief alone teaches us what we are.

All we know of the truth is that the absolute truth, such as it is, is beyond our reach.

My mother would take me to jazz concerts in the park and everybody was smoked out. She gave me the intro and then she forced me to play an instrument to keep me out of trouble.

I have a lot of girlfriends, but there's something that's so easy for me about hanging out with guys. It's fun, because I feel like they accept me right back, which is really nice.

Love and gratitude can part seas, move mountains, and create miracles.

Actually men are closer to having the ability to act egoistic when it comes to a crisis situation.

The absolutist trumpets his plain vision; the relativist sees only someone who is unaware of his own spectacles.