I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

What if obese people couldn't get married?

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

For me, humor is everything!

Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.'

I opened my mouth, but the same words came to me again and again.I will not scream. I will not scream. I will not scream.

Small herbs have grace, great weeds to grow apace.

I became as hard as whipcord, but with a brain like cottonwool.

A man is never more serious than when he praise himself.

I think the great unspoken theme in noir fiction is male self-pity. It pervades noir movies.

If I'm anything, I'm not a singer but I'm a song stylist.

Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied.

Artemis Entreri: Do not underestimate Jarlaxle. Many have; they all are dead.

A modern economy and society requires skilled people, so you need to train them.

Nobody, but nobody, is going to tell me I'm not the most. I am. I was the most when everybody else was struggling bitterly to become a little.