I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

You like it in jail?''It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

Happiness is a fortress.

Most people are not ready for death, theirs or anybody elses.

It's realizing that a great dream is not as good as a great memory. The dream can be had by anyone. The memory - must be made.

The common thread in all of my climbing is it was something new, something never done before. That commonality is more important than the discipline.

I Use The Square To Begin My Solutions Because The Square Is A Non-choice, Really. In The Course Of Development, I Search For The Forces That Would Disprove The Square.

The one that burned the hottest is the first to die.

Be brutally honest about the short term and optimistic and confident about the long term.

In a land of freedom we are held hostage by the tyranny of political correctness.