I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

The book of Revelation may be difficult and demanding to read, yet it is the only biblical book whose author promises a blessing to those who read it.

If it weren‘t for Asperger‘s and obsessions there would be no Theory of Relativity, no Magic Flute, no Microsoft…and no Ghost Busters.

A husband is very much like a house or a horse.

This is about respect for women, the judgments that women make and their doctors about their reproductive health. It's an important part of who women are, their reproductive health.

Motivation is an inner force that compels behavior. Your inner drives will propel you further and faster than external perks.

Jean Grey, the Phoenix... she finds a way to reincarnate herself constantly, so one never knows.

It don't take long to kill things. Not like it does to grow.

People voted for Donald Trump. They want to repeal and replace ObamaCare. And we will.

I apologize for Pam. I accidentally hit her in the head with a baseball when we were in fifth grade and knocked her out cold. She’s never been right since. (Tory)

I've always been the goofy kid. Growing up, I always enjoyed the comedic aspect of relating to women. Even on camera, it was always the funny take on it.