I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Problems are everywhere, so are Solutions. Unfortunately, we see more of the Problems than the Solutions.-RVM

I may not like everyone but love all. No one is worthy of occupying my heart. You scored a point, so what? Congratulations. You're forgiven!

High school football in Detroit was not easy at all. There were talented players everywhere.

And I guess that's when it starts to hit me: the whole point is, you do what you can.

In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.

There's a fundamental distinction between strategy and operational effectiveness.

The closer you get to your dream, the more your personal legend becomes your real reason for living.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

When legitimately constituted state authority stands down in the face of armed threats, the very foundation of the republic is in danger.

Make peace with your body, it's not manmade, there are no flaws, there are no mistakes.