I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

It's not the time in your life, it's the life in your time.

I don't go out and play football and stuff - that's not me. I want to think, I want to build, I want to talk, I want to create.

We can increase the frequency of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Care must be taken not to lose our inner connection in romantic relationships.

The function of artists is "the mythologization of the world."

Drinking makes uninteresting people matter less and late at night, matter not at all.

Now they have banging guitar and no bass and call it rock, but that's not what I call rock.

After a war, after a concentration camp, I find it's not too difficult to be happy.

You never know until a song comes out and becomes what it becomes, obviously you can't predict how the masses will react.

Cognitive psychology tells us that the unaided human mind is vulnerable to many fallacies and illusions because of its reliance on its memory for vivid anecdotes rather than systematic statistics.

Nothing else is all right.” His whisper tickles my cheek. “But we are.