I have a swastika tattoo on my arm, but it's just because I like right-hand turns.

I think comedians start off as pranksters or something.

A pope going through a faith crisis would be funny to see.

My doctor told me i had Attention Deficit Disorder. He said, 'ADD is a complex disorder, blah, blah, blah,' I didn't pay attention to the rest.

I think a bird is the worst present you can give somebody because it's guilt-ridden. This animal has the gift of flight, and you put it in a cage and watch it not do that until it dies.

I love doing different things where, for a little while, I can focus on standup then sketch writing, then performing, then directing a video. That, to me, is stimulating.

I like to edit; I like to work with other people, and that's something stand-up doesn't really have.

Very specifically, Nickelodeon is aimed at eight- and nine-year-olds.

Every year, dads will dress up as Santa and try to surprise their kids by coming down the chimney, and every year, a dad gets stuck and dies.

My big influences are piano artists like Billy Joel and Elton John.

When a man is penalized for honesty he learns to lie.

The moment one discovers one's true purpose in life, one will never dare to live one's life trying to impress others or worrying about what others think.

Propaganda must not serve the truth, especially as it might bring out something favorable for the opponent.

It was when I was the age where you can, as they say, "hear voices" without worrying that something is wrong with you. I "heard voices" all the time as a small child.

Technique is the test of sincerity. If a thing isn't worth getting the technique to say, it is of inferior value.

Union and Communion: this is the essence of Christianity.

Time is painted with a lock before, and bald behind, signifying thereby that we must take time by the forelock; for, when it is once past, there is no recalling it.

I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms...my entire body is hairless.

When I was 16, the first book I ever actually purchased with my own money, in fact, and had read on my own time was "Hunt for Red October" by Tom Clancy...

I am proposing to create another kind of business, based on "selflessness" that is in all of us. I am calling it social business.