I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

There is at least one thing more brutal than the truth and that is the consequence of saying less than the truth.

I would love to be a father. I had a great father who taught me how gratifying that is. I'm not going to deny myself that. I think I'd be good at it. Everybody wants that experience. I definitely do.

Respect...is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.

Oh God, don't envy me, I have my own pains.

Happiness, it turns out, is a skill-one that you can train, just like you train your body in the gym. This is the next big public health revolution. Get on board.

The universe is energy, energy that responds to our expectations.

I'm incapable of hiding my feelings when I'm around someone I don't like.

President Obama is now losing to 'Republican Nominee' in polls - no name needed.

If the prime directives were followed a little more accurately here on earth, I mean it sounds somewhat Pollyanna, but I think people would certainly get along better.

It is an old habit with theologians to beat the living with the bones of the dead.