I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Chrystle? I'm back!" I refused to say that I was home because Cassie was my home. But I'd lost that, and her, forever, so I'd never truly be home again.

The idea of reasoning with terrorists without force or with appeasement is naive, and I think it's dangerous

The comic, more than the tragic, because it ignites hope, leads to more, not less, participation in the struggle for a just world.

To link oneself with the masses, one must act in accordance with the needs and wishes of the masses.

The Orlando Magic were so bad last season, the cheerleaders stayed home and phoned in their cheers.

Brains aren't designed to get results; they go in directions. If you know how the brain works you can set your own directions. If you don't, then someone else will.

My time is being shared with my fans and the people of the world, while I have got children growing with a lot of days of not seeing their father.

The ought to be a worldwide cultural taskforce that just stops you when you have ideas like combining The Red Desert with an armored car heist movie.

If you had asked me back in grade school what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have said my first choice was an actor, but if I couldn't be that, I'd want to be a superhero.