I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Revere the Righteous One.

If you think people in your life are normal, then you undoubtedly have not spent any time getting to know the abnormal side of them.

If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad.

Then comes the insight that All is God. One still realizes that the world is as it was, but it does not matter, it does not affect one's faith.

The good man does not grieve that other people do not recognize his merits. His only anxiety is lest he should fail to recognize theirs.

Definitely my wife and my kid [are my biggest inspiration].

I like poems that are daggers that sing.

I breastfed both my kids for two years so, you know it was very tiring emotionally and physically.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.